When Your Guitarist Humps a Giant, Native American Statue 

Playing your sensitive songwriter songs for a packed country bar called "The Barn" on a Saturday night, is a dumb idea. Pissing off a couple of 250 lb. locals with a big belt buckles is even worse.

After a quite unsuccessful set, my band was on break. They’d all gone out to have a smoke, and I stayed around and talked to the patrons. All of the sudden, this huge dude in a cowboy hat and blindingly shiny belt buckle comes up to me and says, “You owe my friend an apology.” I said, “Who’s your friend, and who are you?” He said, “My friend has been offended.” 

This sounds bad.

He tells me that his friend is Native American, and that I offended him by humping the giant wooden Native American statue that was sitting right beside him. Now, this “Native American” friend of his was as white as day, and also sported a nice shiny belt buckle. I figured they were just trying to start trouble because their girlfriends were paying more attention to the band than them. 

I tried to convince these gentlefolk that I did not hump the Native American statue. They didn’t go for it and they were getting pissed. My band was still outside, so they were no help. These guys were seconds away from beating my ass for something that didn’t even happen!

I had to get the owner, who is also a friend of mine, to try and diffuse the situation. Now the owner is about 5’10” and 145 lbs. And now, these guys wanted to kick his ass, too. Fortunately, offering a round of free beers to the fellas calmed them down, and the situation was diffused.

My band mates come in, and I tell them the story. I told them these guys were crazy, and making up stories about humping statues to try and start trouble. My guitar player just grinned and said, “I stood up on that chair right there and humped that statue right in the eye.” He didn’t have a good explanation for that strange act. I think he's on drugs. While he was outside tokin’ his number, I was about to have the shit beaten out of me.

To this day, my guitarist still thinks this is the funniest thing ever. I still don't know what possessed him to hump the statue, but I think it was chemically induced. We were never invited back to play at The Barn again.

Story by: ListenersGeneration.com

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